I Spent Another Night Alone With the Thought of You

by Geoffrey McGee

just for once I’d like to plan my feelings before they happen

the lotto balls spinning round—will mine be taken?

another brush, touch, glance

that comes to nothing besides love at next sight

if only i ever saw you again

if only to bask in your evanescent light

my experience, a mix

of offhanded joyful messes

elation misplaced

meaningless marriages

that never materialized

outside my ten second memory

it’s unfair to you, but to me

it’s the routine, apathetic

bits of my past, worn out

(wholly pathetic)

habits, and a pronounced affinity

for inability

you’re wrong if you think I’m scared of you

or of anything, really

what’s taken as fear

is subtle, quiet

a soulful sigh, muted yearning,

a deeply quiet rumble

that scares only those

who care to listen

don’t ask again

if I’m okay

my happiness does not depend

on your cooperation

i am self-contained

however much I leak

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