to a boy I shouldn’t have lied for

I said “never”
I would water thorny seeds with wilted words shaking and alone
“I hate men”
I said,
Shaking and alone like my old dog
shaking and alone in my room
as he raged
because the earth did not spin
on his axis

my maps of strict no’s and never’s were replaced
by the constellations of freckles on your back.

i was shaken
but not distrubed

(i could never deserve this)
so i hold my breath
i smouldered
i was born a child of bitterness razor-tongued

blazing under the skin

I build misandry behind my ribs deep rooted and long cultivated dried and burning
smoke seethes through my smile around my blunt teeth

as i sit
and smoulder

there’s a place under the side of your mouth that makes me want to give you the world and when you are gone
i am unbroken

but less than whole
i would pull up the roots of my past
and dive in oceans of regret
to find the name of what i need
(but i’ve found the landscapes of my mind have changed
and i-
I can’t be extinguished)