by Teddy Beauregard
Artwork by Alexa Gaffaney
Okay okay okay okay, here we go here we go here we go and
JUMP
Dammit all to hell, these jeans hurt my dick
Oh wait
Where am I?
Jupiter. Of course.
Dammit all to hell, these space suit pants hurt my dick
Falling falling falling into
Wait
What?
Dammit Pocahontas
ISULDURRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Destroy it!
NO
Destroy it!
NO
Do it!
NOOOO
I’ll take it!
NO
I’ll do it!
NO
I’ll take it!
NOOO IT’S MINE YOU WANKER
Give me the ring, you bitch!
HELLS NAH
Never have I been so
Hold up
Back it up
Take it back now y’all
FUCK my dick hurts in these
PAAAAAAANTS?
Oh yes, everything is
Black or white and maybe purple if you’re into that.
I am most definitely into
Something? Nothing?
What gets you
Thinkin bout
Piña Coladas and all that shit
I swear by my pretty floral
Jackass Martin Luther
That I will end
The Third Reich if it makes you happy
Okay okay okay Erzsebet
You win this round
Because technically the body count
Is like
Thirteen
To six hundred and fifty-three
If we’re counting
Though you must say
That the canonical five
Were particularly arousing
For folks like you and me
DAMMIT JIM I’M A DOCTOR NOT A
GOD
DAMN
ARMS
RACE
Wait.
Something is happening.
Dresses hitting floors
And boxers following suit
As backs hit walls
And people hit people
And the sky screams out in
Ecstatic agony
Like you and me and him and her
And every poor soul
Misfortunate enough to suffer
Small death and then
Be forced to forget it all
And stare hollow across the dinner table
At the one you thought you wanted
But isn’t him isn’t her
And never could be
SHRACK – Shit.
Not now. It was just getting good.
Don’t do this now!
NEXT STOP, GRAND CENTRAL STATION.
Well fuck you too.
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