by Teddy Beauregard
If you give a mouse a cookie,
he will probably just fuck shit up.
I mean,
he is a mouse, after all.
He might sniff it or feel it or bite it or piss on it,
but what else might he do?
He is a mouse.
And mice,
by their innate creation,
are piss poor and not very good workers.
He will not understand
the greater ramifications that the cookie implies.
He will refuse to acknowledge
the vast and ever changing political nature
of a double chocolate chip chunk with
ABSOLUTELY zero gluten present.
No mouse has ever made a significant contribution
to the social structure of the world outside our door.
No mouse- that is- except for one.
Gilderoy!
Yes, rat-wench, tis I!
The Great and Glorious
Oh so fallaptorious
Never quite so borious
Gilderoy the Mouse Prince!
He’s rather an abrasive drunk when he’s drunk
and he never says thank you after
a rat-wench has tickled his whiskers.
One must, however,
appreciate and acknowledge
the oh so daring oh so marvelous
defeat of the skunk-Franks by Gilderoy and his Merry Men
or the Defenestration of those
God-awful God-damned God-less
Prague rat-nobles
who all the books will tell you
were saved by poor shit placement
out the east window.
Gilderoy the Mouse Prince!
Our great and noble leader
has seen us victorious at every
rodent war between this trash can here
and that dumpster there.
Nonetheless, he is a bit of an ass
when he’s drunk
and a bit of a cocker-roach
when he’s high.
Should have never open’d those damned shrooms.
Bring me another drink!
he’ll say.
And then,
Get those furry titties over here, butchess!
to poor little Madeline Mouse
who never wanted a job in the palace
in the first place.
Such was the particular mouse
that found this particular cookie.
The King of Whiskeros put both feet
up on the mounds of
ABSOLUTELY gluten free chocolate
and played at Michael Flatley
until the cookie looked like
the back side of Madame Margot Mouse
from down the street.
Fat rat-wench, yepp yepp.
If you give a politically savvy mouse a cookie,
he will most definitely fuck shit up.
He’ll jump around and think only of himself,
he’ll make a mess of all the gooey goodness,
and he’ll probably get stuck.
The only thing that a fat mouse
drunk off politics will not do,
were he to find a cookie given to him,
would be to pay attention to the jingle jangle
of Princess Buttercup McMittens the Third
as she comes to lick herself
and take her cookie back.