If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

by Teddy Beauregard

Artwork by Maximilian Hampton-Fischer

If you give a mouse a cookie,

he will probably just fuck shit up.

I mean,

he is a mouse, after all.

He might sniff it or feel it or bite it or piss on it,

but what else might he do?

He is a mouse.

And mice,

by their innate creation,

are piss poor and not very good workers.

He will not understand

the greater ramifications that the cookie implies.

He will refuse to acknowledge

the vast and ever changing political nature

of a double chocolate chip chunk with

ABSOLUTELY zero gluten present.

No mouse has ever made a significant contribution

to the social structure of the world outside our door.

No mouse- that is- except for one.



Yes, rat-wench, tis I!

The Great and Glorious

Oh so fallaptorious

Never quite so borious

Gilderoy the Mouse Prince!

He’s rather an abrasive drunk when he’s drunk

and he never says thank you after

a rat-wench has tickled his whiskers.

One must, however,

appreciate and acknowledge

the oh so daring oh so marvelous

defeat of the skunk-Franks by Gilderoy and his Merry Men

or the Defenestration of those

God-awful God-damned God-less

Prague rat-nobles

who all the books will tell you

were saved by poor shit placement

out the east window.

Gilderoy the Mouse Prince!

Our great and noble leader

has seen us victorious at every

rodent war between this trash can here

and that dumpster there.

Nonetheless, he is a bit of an ass

when he’s drunk

and a bit of a cocker-roach

when he’s high.

Should have never open’d those damned shrooms.

Bring me another drink!

he’ll say.

And then,

Get those furry titties over here, butchess!

to poor little Madeline Mouse

who never wanted a job in the palace

in the first place.

Such was the particular mouse

that found this particular cookie.

The King of Whiskeros put both feet

up on the mounds of

ABSOLUTELY gluten free chocolate

and played at Michael Flatley

until the cookie looked like

the back side of Madame Margot Mouse

from down the street.

Fat rat-wench, yepp yepp.

If you give a politically savvy mouse a cookie,

he will most definitely fuck shit up.

He’ll jump around and think only of himself,

he’ll make a mess of all the gooey goodness,

and he’ll probably get stuck.

The only thing that a fat mouse

drunk off politics will not do,

were he to find a cookie given to him,

would be to pay attention to the jingle jangle

of Princess Buttercup McMittens the Third

as she comes to lick herself

and take her cookie back.

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